Fiction: Timmy Reed’s “Minutes from Meeting of Afterdeath Board of Directors”

Minutes from Meeting of Afterdeath Board of Directors
12:00 PM
January 1, 2012
Thin Gray Wrinkle In Between Spaces (Room #0)

Attending: Skeletons, wights, high and low gods, sense of desperate loss (DESPAIR), TIME, decaying globs of flesh, beetles, worms. Death attended via conference call. Presenters included Lipsticked Fetus and Waxed Tentacle of the Soul Preservation Initiative, Suicide Plan from LifeWin/Lose, and THE VOICE OF FAKE HOLY TRUTH, who also attended via conference call.Attending: Skeletons, wights, high and low gods, sense of desperate loss (DESPAIR), TIME, decaying globs of flesh, beetles, worms. Death attended via conference call. Presenters included Lipsticked Fetus and Waxed Tentacle of the Soul Preservation Initiative, Suicide Plan from LifeWin/Lose, and THE VOICE OF FAKE HOLY TRUTH, who also attended via conference call.

At 12:17 the Temporary Chairworm, Chief Worm the Zillionth, called the meeting to order and thanked the Board and presenters for their attendance, adding that he would like to make an effort to increase the turnout for the next meeting, as a quorum will be needed for voting purposes. As such, any motions made during the current assembly are to be regarded as potential motions to be voted on at the next meeting of the Board. The Future will not be available to attend that meeting or any subsequent meetings, as he was not available to attend the meeting in session. A tray of triangle-cut sandwiches, chips, and dessert arrived from Leonard’s Deli. The Chairworm paused the meeting to ask the sad man who delivered the sandwiches to thank Lenny for him, then paused again to make sure that his “Thank You” be included in the minutes.

Presentation: Soul Preservation Initiative

Lipsticked Fetus and Waxed Tentacle from the Death Preservation Society (DPS) delivered a PowerPoint presentation on the maintenance, restoration, and permanent storage of souls. The PowerPoint began with Mr. Fetus asking the unanswered question: Why Save Souls? Ms. Tentacle then recounted an extensive history of part society initiatives: to split and multiply dying human and lizard souls before the instance of mortal death, to mount deceased souls on public walls as part of a locally-oriented marketing campaign, the murder of lost items containing former living souls, the promotion of pert-time death opportunities mandatory health care for homeless and evaporating souls.

Mr. Fetus went on to discuss the role of mortification in the soul retention process and the importance of humiliation in intimate spaces throughout the living term. This has been regarded by consultants and sub-consultants as a critical step to maintaining pliability throughout the growth process that occurs when the souls of diminutive men and animals—dwarves, small dogs, liars obsessed with the truth—enter the Immaterial Realm, a district including but not limited to Chaos, the gated community of Aftersex, Mid-Death, Pre-life, Lost Death, Better Baby Corpses, Pre-Future Death, and The Past.

Death asked Mr. Fetus whether he thought matching funds would be feasible to continue the planning stages of the project. The question hung in the air like a noose.

Presentation: LifeWin/Lose

Suicide Plan, Executive Director, of the newly formed LifeWin/Lose corporation introduced himself to the Board and thanked the Temporary Chairworm for extending the invitation. At this point a sound like feathers being plucked from a stone came over the conference line. The Voice of Holy Truth (The Voice) had fallen asleep and was snoring. Wights began to howl for an alternate to come in his place if THE VOICE cannot find the time to be alert during the presentations. Death asked that this be included in the minutes for administrative purposes on the occasion when THE VOICE must be represented for the purposes of a presentation to the Board, of which is he an Ex-Officio member. THE VOICE was woken by someone on his end of the line and resumed the conservation as if nothing had happened.

Mr. Plan continued. LifeWin/Lose is a quasi-governmental non-profit organization dedicated to removing unwanted life from places where it continues to permeate. The organization was first formed beneath a hefty broken shell in a trench on the seafloor but has since expanded to somewhat more populous areas like Baltimore, Cleveland, Detroit, and Mars. Mr. Plan informed the Board that, on behalf of his organization, he would like to say that he looks forward to a mutually beneficial relationship going forward. Skeletons reminded Mr. Plan that The Future had taken an increasingly passive position regarding the current mission of the Board and Afterdeath in general.

Presentation: THE VOICE OF FAKE HOLY TRUTH SPEAKS

For legal purposes, beetles and worms suggested THE VOICE’s presentation, which was brief, be included in the minutes verbatim. The following is taken directly from the tape recorder:

“If eggs visit living things asking to hold their unmade babies only in order to breed sadness, then wooden eggs will eventually come to the trees and if the trees reject these eggs based on an inaudible insult—the sort that only trees can hear—then the eggs will be forced to crawl into the nest of a protective mother bird—something blue and delicate, or red—and deceive her he until the end of term, whence she will blind the baby tree with her beak and tech it to fly by giving it a tender push toward the ground, which is itself a thick egg-casing around a ball of unborn energy. If that energy is to become aware of itself, it will no doubt begin gestation and grow, filling the world with a love so hot that souls melt through their living costumes and drip upwards to the sky, which will spit rain in surprise then run off into space. If the Board does not vote for extended lunch hours in the various departments concerned with eggs, these things are likely to become a threat if not a reality.”

Death pointed out that THE VOICE was an officer in every department having to do with eggs and that what he understood of THE VOICE’s speech already sounded like a threat of some kind to him, but THE VOICE had already begun snoring again.

A tray of cookies were passed around along with copies of the current Operational Budget as well as a list of potential donors for the Board to review in time for the next meeting.

Old Business

Life continues to die at healthy rate.

New Business

Beetles and worms want more skin to chew so humans and animals will need to be fatter. Worms have been working on this by entering their food supply during the manufacturing process.

Death would like to take one day off and requested that the Board consider the idea, as he is of the increasing belief that nobody would notice.

Skeletons reported that they plan to start dance lessons among their newer members. They put forth another request for consideration regarding their Skin Effort, a separate initiative apart from the aforementioned drive proposed by Beetles and Worms. The Temporary Chairworm thought this was worth examining in the future.

TIME requested another look at his benefits scale before the next meeting, to which Death agreed, adding “Although, to be stricken from the minutes.”

(DESPAIR) raised his hand but said nothing.

The meeting was adjourned at 2:22 PM. 
Minutes respectfully prepared by TIME.

Timmy Reed is a writer and teacher from Baltimore, Maryland. He spends a lot of his free time dreaming because it’s mostly what he can afford. He is the author of Tell God I Don’t Exist, The Ghosts That Surrounded Them, Stray/Pest, Miraculous Fauna, Star Backwards, I.R.L., and Kill Me Now.You can be confident he probably loves you. He teaches writing, reading, and ESL to college students and gives history and culinary tours of Baltimore City.

Photo credit: chelle, morguefile.com

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