The only person I ever stood up to was Sacha. He was very short and thin, awkward with glasses that didn’t fit him very well. He was one of the only boys I had ever met who was smaller and weaker than me.

I started by twisting his fingers. Just when he would reach out for me at first, but it felt good to have power over someone, and eventually I would twist them if he said something I didn’t like. Sitting next to him, on the bus, in class, twisting his fingers further than I knew I should, I thought about what his fingers felt like. I kept twisting.

Once when he wouldn’t leave me alone, I threw his phone against a wall, shattered the screen, and walked away. When he tried to talk to me about it the next day, I didn’t say anything. It was all so easy.

I changed Sacha’s name to Bitch. Most people heard it from Caz first, but I was the one who told it to them.

Sacha dated Caz after I broke up with them. I never asked him about it. I never told him what they were like. I feel worse about how I treated Sacha than almost anything else I have ever done.

I am more afraid of being like Caz now than anything else, since I know just how easy it would be.

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